The Wedding Gift – A conversation

SHE – But what’s wrong with gifting an AC?

ME – Look, all that an AC does is sucking the interior temperature and pushing it outside! Implication? The outside temperature continues to grow! That’s global warming!

SHE – Yeah.! I know the science!

ME – But knowing science is not enough. You would continue to use AC because the globe is warming and the warming continues.. Look.. Any Invention should, if possible, eliminate its need and not strengthen its necessity!

SHE – But I didn’t invent an AC! Willis Carrier did!

ME – Yeah.! But you are strengthening its necessity!

Silence…

SHE – So what should we gift them? A ceiling fan?

ME – That won’t help the humidity!

SHE – But this is hill station! It’s never humid here!

ME – But what if after a year, they move to a coastal place? That would be humid!

SHE – That’s a maybe case! And maybe they have better things to pack and move than a ceiling fan!

Silence..

ME – Let’s not gift them a ceiling fan!

SHE – Okay.! But you wanted to gift them something that would help them in the summer! You don’t want to gift an air cooler because it takes in water and in summer there might be water crisis! No to an AC because it would strengthen its necessity! Ceiling fan would not help in humidity! What’s left? Ice packs?

Silence followed by an exchange of mild laughter….

SHE – Let’s stick to my first plan! Let’s go for a bouquet and a gift voucher!

ME – That would be a fall back option, if we can’t decide on anything!

SHE- We better decide now! Once we cross the city, there are no shops near the resort to buy any gifts!

Silence… As I begin to think..

ME – Let us go-to a nursery!

SHE – Nursery? To gift an admission to their future kid, kids?

ME – No.! The plant nursery!

SHE – You planning to gift them..

ME – (interrupts) Yes.! You guessed it right! Planning to gift them seeds.! (Pause) and a pot! They can sow the seeds in the pot!

SHE – But I thought you would say plants, at least!

Awkward silence..!

ME – That’s not a bad idea! We could gift them the plants!

SHE – Seriously! You want to walk into a wedding hall holding a flower plant!

ME – I had mango plant in mind! You know, with mangoes in them!

SHE – Seriously? Mango plant with mangoes in it? That’s called a mango tree! And I am not carrying a mango tree into the wedding hall

ME – Why not?

SHE – Two reasons! One, I don’t want to carry a mango tree into a wedding hall. Two, I can’t carry a mango tree! Not into a wedding hall, not into a restaurant! I can’t carry it anywhere, because I am not a superwoman!

She was right. How can I gift them a mango tree, if I can’t carry it.?

Silence…

SHE – Unless…

ME – Unless..?

SHE – Unless it’s a Bonsai..

Bonsai is not a bad idea, I felt!

ME – That’s exactly, what I had in mind! Bonsai, that’s the word and the gift that I was looking for!

*************************************************************************************

After buying the bonsai tree..

SHE – But you were so adamant about gifting them something that would help them beat heat!

ME – And who does it better than plants? The bonsai mango tree will live in their room, suck all the CO2, and give out oxygen! That would be cool!  You know what; I should name this – The Mangold Star AC.!

SHE – ha ha… Like the Goldstar AC? That’s lame!

ME – May be its lame, but it’s still cool..! (Pause) And oh! Wait! Whenever the girl feels like having a mango, she need not climb the tree or pelt stones! Because it’s a bonsai tree and the fruit will be at hand’s reach!

SHE – And when the tree has no mangoes left?

ME – She can buy them from the market!

Laughs..

**********************************************************

After arriving at the resort..

ME – What happened?

SHE – The receptionist is telling that they have only two rooms left and only one of them has AC.!

ME – And what did you say?

SHE – I told her that she is wrong!

ME – What?

SHE – Yes! They have two air conditioned rooms!

ME – Okay! Then we don’t have a problem right! Everything is sorted!

SHE – Yes! I shall be taking the one with the Bluestar AC and you will be taking the one with the Mangold Star AC..!

A moment of silence..

ME – That would be cool! (Laughs)

-CHAN

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To Dance or not to Dance – A Conversation

Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels

SHE- But, I have never danced before!

ME – Liar! Everyone would have! At least in their kindergarten days, you know during the annual day functions! Or At least in the bathroom!

SHE – But that’s different!

ME – So, I am right!

SHE – Right about what?

ME – About you dancing in the bathroom! That’s weird you know! Because, I only sing!

Laughs exchanged…

ME – Anyway! Imagine that this is going to be your last night before you die!

SHE – Who is going to kill me? You?

ME – I can! (Pause) I mean, I have the ability to!

SHE – Ah! Do you?

ME – Yes! I can choke you to death! Or may be stab you with the butter knife!

SHE – Butter knife is blunt! It can’t kill me!

ME – Ah! I don’t believe your word! Let me give a try!

I looked at the butter knife, picked it up and tried stabbing her!

A moment of Laughter….

SHE – See… I told you! Butter knives can’t kill me! (Laughs)

ME – Okay! Forget butter knife! But there could be earthquake, the pub roof might collapse! Some female might try using her deodorant! Since the deodorant is inflammable, the candle in the corner table might explode! The pub might catch fire! We might get roasted like chicken!

She cringes….

ME – Okay! That’s horrible death! Let’s imagine something that is less horrible!  Oh! What if you swallow the chicken bone and choke to death!

SHE – Both of us know that it’s never going to happen! I don’t eat chicken!

Silence!

ME – Or a potato! If you swallow it whole, even a potato can choke you to death! (Pause) Or maybe you step out of the pub; some drunk female runs you over on her scooter!

SHE – This is disappointing, I thought you would save me!

She puts up a sad face! Laughs exchanged..

ME – Anyways! My point is! Think that you are going to die this night! And that you will never be able to dance after this! So it’s now or never!

SHE – If it’s going to be my last night before I die, I have better things to do! I have a long bucket list!

ME – How long!

SHE – 53 items!

ME – 53? What weird wishes do you have in there? Things like Jumping into the volcano!

Silence..

SHE – Now I have 54th entry in the list!

ME – What? You want to jump into the volcano! Seriously?

SHE – No! I would want to stand on the top of the volcanic mountain, stare down at the lava and photograph it!

ME – Or you might as well swallow the potato and choke to death!

Laughs exchanged…

ME – But seriously… why don’t you dance! Look around! So many people on the floor, dancing!

SHE – Yeah! But I can’t dance! I don’t know to dance!

ME – Come on! You just need to move your feet or may be sway a little! No one’s expecting you to do dance like Hrithik!

SHE – Yeah! But moving the feet or swaying the body, for that I need to feel the rhythm!  I am bad at rhythms!

ME – Okay! Look at it this way! We have been sitting here, sipping onto our drinks for so long! Among that dancing lot, there are bad dancers as well as good ones! Do you remember any of their faces?

She thinks for a while and nods a no.

ME – There you go! You had better things to do than nit-picking! Same case with others! Those who are dancing are too busy with their dance! Those who are not dancing are either waiting to hit the floor or might be way too nervous! Just like you!

A moment of silence…

ME – Look! The bottom line is, this is not some stage program and the spotlight is not on you! Everyone has better things to do than watch you dance! So hold my hands and join me in the dance

She appears hesitant…

ME – Okay! Let’s try this! I shall go there, dancing alone for a minute or two! Like real bad dance! Ugly and weird! That way you might get inspired!

SHE – Inspired to do what? Dance badly?

ME – Dance decently! Or may be badly! Look I have already told you, no one’s going to remember your face! Give me a moment!

I got up and slowly joined the dancing crowd. I began to move my feet, then the torso and after a few seconds, the head!

The DJ moved onto the next track! I closed my eyes and began to shake my hands and legs wildly! The track continued for a minute or two and when the DJ changed the track, I opened my eyes to walk up to her and drag her into the dance.

And when I opened my eyes, I found myself in the middle of the crowd who had stopped dancing and were staring at me! Ugly stares!

I quickly walked up to her.

ME – I think we need to leave! People are laughing at me!

SHE – Come on! It’s okay!

ME – I danced real bad, didn’t I?

SHE – Yep!

ME – How bad?

SHE – Bad enough to inspire me!

And she dragged me into the dance floor. She started moving her feet, the torso and then the head!

-CHAN

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Walk under the rain – A Conversation

SHE – I don’t think it’s a good idea!

ME – Come on! It doesn’t rain every other day!

SHE – Yeah! But walking in the rain? Who does that!

ME – Everyone does that!

SHE – Everyone with an umbrella!

ME – And raincoat!

SHE – Okay! But we neither have raincoat nor an umbrella!

ME – That’s exactly what I was talking about! Walking in the rain without an umbrella or raincoat! Getting completely drenched!

SHE – And why exactly do you think we should be doing that?

ME – So you think it’s not an exciting idea?

SHE – “Bad idea”, is the precise way of describing it!

A moment of silence!

ME – Okay girl! Tell me! Have you ever done bungee jumping?

SHE – No!

ME – See! That’s my point! You have never done a bungee jump because you “think” that you are scared of heights!

SHE – Wrong! I have never done a bungee jumping because I have never been to a place which has one.

A moment of silence!

ME – I should probably use some other example! Okay! Tell me one thing that you don’t like!

SHE – Walking under the rain without an umbrella or raincoat!

ME – Ah! Come on! Give me another!

SHE – You want another? That would be you trying to convince me to walk under the rain!

Silence….

ME – Ok! Look at it this way! You think that you don’t like walking under the rain! But how will you know if you don’t give it a try! Give it and a try and then arrive at conclusion!

SHE – last week, after the movie! I hope you remember how we ran from the theatre to the parking lot and I slipped real bad.

ME – But you didn’t fall down!

SHE – But I fell ill!

ME – Yeah! But you didn’t fall “down”!

SHE – I could have fallen! Had I fallen, I would have broken my knee!

ME – Look! When you slip, you fall on your back! There’s no way that your knee will get hurt!

SHE – So, you saying that you are okay with me breaking my back?

Silence….

ME – Look, that was Sprint! But this! This would be walking. A real slow walk!

SHE – Oh! Come on! That’s illogical? How different are they? Moreover I don’t want people to laugh at us, while we walk slowly under the rain!

ME – How is that illogical! And are saying that Usain bolt and Matej Toth are no different from each other?

SHE – Who is Matej Toth?

ME – He won gold in 20km walk! The Rio Olympics!

SHE – I didn’t know that!

ME – Exactly! See everyone knows Usain Bolt, but not Matej Toth! Bottom line- If you run people would notice, but if you walk, people would not! So there is no question of people laughing at us!

Silence…

SHE – I am not coming! Let’s end this conversation!

ME – Okay! How about this? I will walk under the rain? And you could use an umbrella and walk along!

SHE – Yeah! But we don’t have an umbrella!

I proceeded to make an exit.

SHE – Where are you going?

ME – Give me 5 minutes lady and you would know!

*******************************************************************************

After an hour…

SHE – It’s been an hour! Where are you? Where did you go?

ME – I had come out to buy an umbrella from this shop across the street and…

SHE – And what? You still deciding on the colors?

ME – Na! I slipped while sprinting to this shop and..

SHE – And…? Did you break your back?

ME – No! It’s the knee!

-CHAN

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Meat and Flesh – A Conversation

She – Meat is non veg.!

Me – yeah! But you shouldn’t ignore the fact that I eat dead meat!

She – Dead meat?

Me – Of course! Meat is dead! Else it would be flesh. And I don’t eat flesh! So technically, I eat dead animals and I don’t kill one!

She – You have got the definition wrong, haven’t you?

He – What definition?

She – Meat is edible flesh! Chicken meat, pork meat, mutton meat! There is no human meat!

He – Oh! Come on! Cannibals would beg to differ! I mean, I am not a cannibal! I just eat the bird! No lamb, no pork! Just the bird! (Pause) And fish sometimes! But not from the aquarium, you know!

She – Who would eat fish from an aquarium?

Me – My cat would! But anyway my point is I am a non-vegetarian! And there’s nothing wrong about it!

She – Everything is wrong about it! Inflicting so much pain!

Me- Oh! Come on! Even plants have life! CV Raman has proved it in his experiment!

She – That was JC Bose!

Me – So what! Would a plant’s life become any less important, because JC Bose discovered it!

She didn’t speak for a while! May be, I had won the debate! The waiter arrived at our table and served our orders – Me, some fancy chicken dish and she? May be potato or paneer! What else a vegetarian would eat!

She – No.! Okay! Tell me one thing! Why does pain exist?

Me – Oh Please! I don’t want to discuss religion, philosophy and god!

She – No man.! The science question! Why does one feel pain, when he..

Me – Or she!

She – yeah ok! Why does one feel the pain, when he or she gets injured?

I thought for a while! The question didn’t make sense!

Me – It’s good as asking why a green leaf is green! (Pause) Oh. Wait! There’s a scientific reason why a green leaf is green! Absorbed components of light, reflected components of light and all that nonsense! But hey, the pain thing, I don’t think it has got any scientific reason!

She – Think about it! Cutting your hair or nails doesn’t hurt you! But anything happens to skin, eyes, or you know other body parts, you feel the pain!

I thought for a while.

Me -You know what! I had felt the same when I was in my kindergarten!

She – Good! Anyway, pain is the body’s inbuilt mechanism to alert you! To tell you that something wrong is happening to your body! If you let it continue, you might die! So do something about it!

Me – Well. This didn’t cross my mind when I was in kindergarten! Hey! Nice observation!

She – Thanks! So if you get injured, you might die because of the blood loss, so the pain! Heart attack, same thing! But cut your hair or nail! Your life is safe! So no alert!

Me – Oh! And what about tooth decay? Why does it hurt?

She- the infection could spread to the eye and then the brain and could kill you!

Me – Fever?

She – That’s a slightly different topic! Body temperature increases significantly to kill the foreign bodies! Anyways, the point is if you pluck the leaf, vegetables and fruits, that wouldn’t kill the plant! So, plants don’t feel the pain when we do that!

Me – Who gave this theory, JC Bose?

She – No.! Me!

Me – Then I can disprove it! Let me think of some examples!

We were done with the eating business and the waiter handed us the cheque!

Me – Hey! Tell me one thing!

She – What?

Me – Can losing money, kill you?

“No!” She laughed. “Why?” she asked.

“Because right now, I am feeling a strange sense of pain!” I said looking at the four figured sum on the bill!

-CHAN

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The Vacation Plans – A Conversation

She – Ah! That’s weird.!

Me – Weird as in good weird?

She – Bad weird! Every person wants to, you know run away from the routine. From the ecosystem they live in. Away from people they know, places they have been, sounds they have heard

Me – You might want to change that last statement!

She – Okay! Away from noise! To places filled with soft sounds..!

“Scarcely filled..!”, I offered a correction.

“Yes.. Scarcely filled! But the point is not that. The point is, you are telling me that you spend your vacation visiting market places! That’s bad weird”, she shrugged her shoulders.

Me – You don’t see my point! Life is not our loyal Butler. He doesn’t serve you with the best of the butter cakes!

She – Butter cakes? Eww..!

Me- Okay..! What cake do you like? Lemon pound cakes?

She – Plum cakes..!

Me – It has no butter?

She – No..! It has wine and plum..! I think we are moving away from the central discussion!

Me- Yeah.. We are. So yeah.. You see, life isn’t your loyal Butler. He doesn’t serve you with the best of the plum cakes. So you ought to train yourselves for the worst. So that when he serves you with the worst ones, you don’t have complains. And when he serves you with the delicious ones, you feel exhilarated

That was a beautiful explanation, I felt. I had offered a different perspective, a fascinating philosophy, a packet of wisdom, a capsule of happiness! Or at least I thought so.!

After five strides by the second hand of my tiny little watch, she spoke!

“You know what! That doesn’t make sense!”, She laughed.

I looked at her for a while.

“You know what! I think, even I have begun to feel the same, I said.

She was right! I had not served her with a fascinating philosophy, a packet of wisdom or a capsule of happiness! That was just a bucket load of nonsense!

-Chan

To read other episodes of Conversations, click here. You could leave your feedback in the comment section below or write to me at passionophoria@gmail.com